Tuesday, September 16, 2003
So it figures.
Now I don’t like Ian anymore.
I just thought about what I was doing and decided that I needed to put an immediate halt on it. What’s the point in sitting around and fantasizing about something that could never happen? I was just getting wrapped up in the whole “I am in a show with a cute boy” syndrome. Usually I NEVER have crushes on guys that I am in shows with. I prefer not to date people in the entertainment business cuz they tend to be incredibly selfish, emotionally erratic, and overly dramatic. Basically, all of the qualities that represent me. So why would I want to date someone exactly the same?
Answer: I wouldn’t.
Ian is SO not my type. I don’t know why I let it consume me yesterday. I think it’s because I have a real problem with wanting guys that I can’t have. UGH! At 26 years old, I should REALLY be over that petty shit by now. Ah well. Maybe at 36 it will be different.
Rehearsal was ok last night. We were all a little off, not totally focused. I found Ian’s performance to be better than it has been in the past, but I found his attitude to suck big time. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain. He is a very aggressive, macho type of person, so it’s hard to read him all the time. He is usually sweet with me and lowers his guard within the first couple of minutes of us being together. But last night, something was off. Our subway ride home was filled with weak conversation and to be honest, I felt like some of it was strained. He was telling me about his girlfriend and how he doesn’t know if they will end up together. I tried to be as supportive as I possibly could, but after awhile, his attitude was bugging me so much that I had to just ditch the whole conversation. We sat in silence for a couple stops and then I was like “See ya later.” He realized that I was pulling away, so he tried to step it up a bit, but it was too late. I turned my back and walked out the door.
Gosh, so much game playing that it’s making me want to puke on his face.
In any case…
Tonight, Kelly and the other owners of the Theater Company are going to meet the playwright’s best friend to discuss everything that is happening. He will tell them what nights he is coming to the show as well as what night the playwright’s parents are coming. It is SO exciting for us and I know that everyone involved in this production is completely thrilled. We are going to be performing for people that KNEW John Russell! Wow. It’s totally unreal.
In the show, Kelly and I have to carry around notebooks that we store our poetry in. My character is often described as a “tortured poet” and Kimberly is quoted at saying “I have all of these feelings, I need to get them out somehow”. It’s quite an ingenious concept, considering that when I was 17, I carried a notebook filled with poetry and thoughts as well. To delve further into our characters, Kelly and I have been writing daily entries into these books.
Here are two sample poems that I have written. Now remember that I am writing as a 17-year-old closet case that is in love with a 17-year-old straight boy (interesting parallels, eh?):
TRUTH
Truthfully I adore you.
Your eyes – so beautiful
So intense
So focused.
So real.
Why does this hurt so much?
Deep aching from the inside out.
I shouldn’t love you.
But I do.
LIES
You fucker.
You lied to me.
Why do you hurt those that love you?
Why do you make me cry?
You do it on purpose.
Asshole!
You see me follow you.
You see me trust you.
You see me want you.
You see me give my heart without question.
And you don’t care.
It’s done.
I’m walking away from you.
I’m leaving you behind.
No more tears will be wasted on you.
No more nights spent sleepless.
Goodbye.
Forever.
Hilarious, right? I love writing like a little kid. Not that this journal is much different. I just call it “little kid writing” so you won’t judge me. Fucking stop judging me. Fucking judgers.
And I will leave you with that.
It’s so sunny in NYC today. I’m thinking it’s the calm before the HURRICANE!
ISBABELLA SNORES!
I won’t care about it unless it sucks the subway system up into the eye and then spits it out over Jersey. Then I won’t have to go to work! YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOpth.
Peace!
Now I don’t like Ian anymore.
I just thought about what I was doing and decided that I needed to put an immediate halt on it. What’s the point in sitting around and fantasizing about something that could never happen? I was just getting wrapped up in the whole “I am in a show with a cute boy” syndrome. Usually I NEVER have crushes on guys that I am in shows with. I prefer not to date people in the entertainment business cuz they tend to be incredibly selfish, emotionally erratic, and overly dramatic. Basically, all of the qualities that represent me. So why would I want to date someone exactly the same?
Answer: I wouldn’t.
Ian is SO not my type. I don’t know why I let it consume me yesterday. I think it’s because I have a real problem with wanting guys that I can’t have. UGH! At 26 years old, I should REALLY be over that petty shit by now. Ah well. Maybe at 36 it will be different.
Rehearsal was ok last night. We were all a little off, not totally focused. I found Ian’s performance to be better than it has been in the past, but I found his attitude to suck big time. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain. He is a very aggressive, macho type of person, so it’s hard to read him all the time. He is usually sweet with me and lowers his guard within the first couple of minutes of us being together. But last night, something was off. Our subway ride home was filled with weak conversation and to be honest, I felt like some of it was strained. He was telling me about his girlfriend and how he doesn’t know if they will end up together. I tried to be as supportive as I possibly could, but after awhile, his attitude was bugging me so much that I had to just ditch the whole conversation. We sat in silence for a couple stops and then I was like “See ya later.” He realized that I was pulling away, so he tried to step it up a bit, but it was too late. I turned my back and walked out the door.
Gosh, so much game playing that it’s making me want to puke on his face.
In any case…
Tonight, Kelly and the other owners of the Theater Company are going to meet the playwright’s best friend to discuss everything that is happening. He will tell them what nights he is coming to the show as well as what night the playwright’s parents are coming. It is SO exciting for us and I know that everyone involved in this production is completely thrilled. We are going to be performing for people that KNEW John Russell! Wow. It’s totally unreal.
In the show, Kelly and I have to carry around notebooks that we store our poetry in. My character is often described as a “tortured poet” and Kimberly is quoted at saying “I have all of these feelings, I need to get them out somehow”. It’s quite an ingenious concept, considering that when I was 17, I carried a notebook filled with poetry and thoughts as well. To delve further into our characters, Kelly and I have been writing daily entries into these books.
Here are two sample poems that I have written. Now remember that I am writing as a 17-year-old closet case that is in love with a 17-year-old straight boy (interesting parallels, eh?):
TRUTH
Truthfully I adore you.
Your eyes – so beautiful
So intense
So focused.
So real.
Why does this hurt so much?
Deep aching from the inside out.
I shouldn’t love you.
But I do.
LIES
You fucker.
You lied to me.
Why do you hurt those that love you?
Why do you make me cry?
You do it on purpose.
Asshole!
You see me follow you.
You see me trust you.
You see me want you.
You see me give my heart without question.
And you don’t care.
It’s done.
I’m walking away from you.
I’m leaving you behind.
No more tears will be wasted on you.
No more nights spent sleepless.
Goodbye.
Forever.
Hilarious, right? I love writing like a little kid. Not that this journal is much different. I just call it “little kid writing” so you won’t judge me. Fucking stop judging me. Fucking judgers.
And I will leave you with that.
It’s so sunny in NYC today. I’m thinking it’s the calm before the HURRICANE!
ISBABELLA SNORES!
I won’t care about it unless it sucks the subway system up into the eye and then spits it out over Jersey. Then I won’t have to go to work! YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOpth.
Peace!
